Enjoy the Reign of Terror set upon my foot.

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Enjoy the Reign of Terror set upon my foot.
Topic Started: Aug 10 2007, 05:05 AM (172 Views)
Guitarbreaker	Aug 10 2007, 05:05 AM Post #1
Don't BLINK!!! Posts: 2,368 Group: Members Member #17 Joined: June 28, 2006 Gender: Male	In the eye of tranquility, I sense the for taste. My eyes shut, and binded with the blindness of the white. The underground throne, I may lay. Or maybe I am a drift in a polytheistic worship. In the wonders of Odin, and of Thor. As I drip the drops, and loosen the corset. I shift farther away from my chosen spiritualistic path, And I sense a strong agnostic longing. I enjoy the run of my soul, I enjoy the air, and banquet of sand. And I care less for a god not seen. Meh, I know it's crap. I need to write out my beliefs, or I will go insane.



Morgan	Aug 10 2007, 07:22 PM Post #2
Dinkin' flicka. Posts: 1,878 Group: Staff Member #2 Joined: June 28, 2006 Gender: Male Name: Morgan Location: Sarasota, FL Last.fm: rockon1824	Guitarbreaker I need to write out my beliefs, or I will go insane. I know what you mean lol. Half my posts in the religion/political even relationship threads are to kind of reflect on what I believe about certain things and reading it back to myself I either think "that sounds about right" or "what the hell arm I thinking?" lol. Guitarbreaker In the eye of tranquility, I sense the for taste. My eyes shut, and binded with the blindness of the white. The underground throne, I may lay. "I sense the for taste" in the first line doesn't make sense, I'm guessing just a typo. "I sense thee for taste"? "I sense the taste"? "I sense for taste"? I'm guessing one of them. I like the binded/blindness alliteration in the second line, but at first glance it looks like "blinded with the blindness" lol. The last line doesn't really make sense to me either, maybe "On the underground throne, I may lay"? Guitarbreaker Or maybe I am a drift in a polytheistic worship. In the wonders of Odin, and of Thor. Good, not much to say here. Guitarbreaker As I drip the drops, and loosen the corset. I shift farther away from my chosen spiritualistic path, And I sense a strong agnostic longing. There shouldn't be a period really at the end of the first line, it kind of goes into the second. Maybe a comma if you feel the need for punctuation. I think the last line's a bit to direct for the piece: you have all these abstract things and then the direct mention of "agnostic." Maybe try and slip something in there, a metaphor, maybe even something like "ambiguous" as agnosticism can be described as that. Guitarbreaker I enjoy the run of my soul, I enjoy the air, and banquet of sand. And I care less for a god not seen. I love this. Very good ending to summarize the piece. I also like your metaphor of agnosticism to freedom, it's an interesting way to think about it. The last line is perfect, but usually God is capitalized if you're referring to just one. Overall, this piece is actually really good, contrary to your opinion, which doesn't matter when it comes to your own writing Probably one of the best endings to a song I've seen, I really feel like something's been accomplished by the end (and it seems indeed something has). Just a couple tweaks here and there, you might even want to lengthen it a bit if you so desire, but otherwise it's a good job.
	If If you If you could If you could only If you could only stop If you could only stop your If you could only stop your heart If you could only stop your heart beat If you could only stop your heart beat for If you could only stop your heart beat for one heart If you could only stop your heart beat for one heart beat.


Liberation	Sep 2 2007, 03:55 PM Post #3
LOL WUT? Posts: 2,382 Group: Members Member #8 Joined: June 28, 2006 Gender: Male Name: Trevor Location: Edmonton, AB Last.fm: BloodAndBelief	This is actually a very good piece. I agree completely with everything that Morgan said. My favorite stanza is the last one..it's fantastic.
	IloveAmber<3


ana	Sep 4 2007, 01:02 AM Post #4
eskizo Posts: 5,763 Group: Staff Member #27 Joined: June 29, 2006 Gender: Female Name: Ana Location: Madrid	same here, i quite like what this piece conveys, and your writing is great despite the few things that you should revise - morgan said it all, i think, so i won't go into that -, and a couple of periods i don't think fit in. meh, just some minor things to check. i must say, though, that i quite like the fact that "god" isn't capitalized: that way it kinda gives the impression that you're talking about something you don't really have a name for, like you're just using the word god for the sake of it and it doesn't matter whether it's "god", "being", "entity" or whatever. besides, that kinda fits with your mentioning agnosticism, imo. anyways, i like that - oh and yeah, that stanza definitely makes for a great ending. overall it needs some revising, but if you polish it up a little you'll end up with a very good piece.
	I'M SPAINISH! *I DOSENT SPLEL WEL!*


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