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- Heartfelt Goodbye
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| Heartfelt Goodbye; *SOTW!* | |
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| Topic Started: Jul 30 2007, 09:12 PM (268 Views) | |
| Blake | Jul 30 2007, 09:12 PM Post #1 |
Vwls Sck!!
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This is my second attempt at writing a song.. I think the problem I had when I wrote this song was I had no emotion, I was just writing for the sake of writing. But I wanted to practice, since after all I've only wrote one before this and I didn't like it that much  Heartfelt-Goodbye A clenching in my stomach I don't know what to say I'm dreading the moment I have to watch you walk away. Rubbing my hands together I cross fingers This nervousnesses in the air, I hate the way it lingers We walk towards the door This moment that we share Can't this last longer? Into your eyes I stare Your gaze makes me Stronger I stand up tall As you walk down the sidewalk These feelings are evermore I'm being put into shell-shock As you unlock your car door. Back and forth like a pendalum, My heart feels like a clock. You hop in the driver's seat My mind's hit a road block Times feels so short It seems to betray This Heartfelt-goodbye Is the last we convey I look past the horizon Your as gone as you'll ever be I look towards the future And what it has in store for me I'm falling back to consciousness Gripping to reality I no longer stand there actionless It's time to move on And to look at whats ahead But it's those Heartfelt-goodbyes That I will always dread. I feel that it rhymes so much it's almost cheesy, but I wrote according to the rhythm to a jam song I made the other day, and I felt that was how I should write it. |
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The Fog Forever and Ever I forgot what time it is in Madrid   | |
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| Morgan | Jul 31 2007, 03:08 PM Post #2 |
Dinkin' flicka.
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Obviously it's cliché but that doesn't really matter, the flow and rhyme scheme work.
I think lines 5 and 6 should be something like "This moment we share:/Can't it last longer?" just because as it stands it doesn't really sound right. I'm not a big fan of moving the predicate in front of the subject for rhyming's sake like in the 7th line, but we're all known to do it occasionally. Try and see if you can find another rhyme to kind of resurrect that line.
I don't really care for the rhyme between lines 2 and 4, both "sidewalk" and "shell-shocked" sound forced. This stanza kind of contradicts itself: the first line says you "stand up tall," which is usually used to say that you're being strong or tough, but then you go on to say how your "feelings are evermore," you're in "shell-shock," your heart's beating faster, your "mind hits a road block"...all which say it's a very emotionally sapping experience, and you certainly wouldn't be in "shell-shock" if you were enduring the situation with strength. In lines 6 & 7 you do the subject-predicate reversal again, although this time it's almost confusing as it spans more than one line. I do like how you give a slow-motion type effect though by detailing her movement to and into the car and mixing it with how it effects you. Makes me feel like I'm watching it happen in a movie. Oh and "pendulum" is spelled as such.
No "s" on "time" in the first line. The second line sounds unfinished. Betrays what? If it betrays "this heartfelt goodbye," then that makes the last line out of place. So, yeah, this stanza needs major revision.
I like the beginning of this stanza a lot. "You're as gone as you'll ever be" is a good line (note it should be "you're" though :P). I really don't think "actionless" is a word.... the transition between lines 9 and 10 doesn't really make sense, you're "looking at what's ahead," that connotes a future, a beginning, but then you go into "but it's those heartfelt goodbyes," where goodbyes are and ending, a past. It doesn't make sense like that, the "but" really throws it off because it tries to make them connected when they really aren't. You do have some skill as a writer, it needs to be developed of course but it's definitely evident. However, you seem to have a problem that I have too and that's worrying too much about the rhyming. I suggest using a rhyming dictionary like Rhyme Zone because a lot of your rhymes sound coerced to match the first word that comes up in your head, and you may be able to find some words that make more sense in context. I know that anyone else who crits the piece will go off on how cliché it is, but for the second song you've ever written that's to be expected and even so, you used a lot of more complex stuff that definitely wasn't cliché. The only thing is, some of the metaphors you used, like "heart" and "clock," are overwhelmed by the forced rhyming around it. So, good job, and I hope to see more pieces from you in the future  |
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If If you If you could If you could only If you could only stop If you could only stop your If you could only stop your heart If you could only stop your heart beat If you could only stop your heart beat for If you could only stop your heart beat for one heart If you could only stop your heart beat for one heart beat. | |
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| Blake | Jul 31 2007, 09:40 PM Post #3 |
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Vwls Sck!!
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Thanks for the crit :). I did use rhymezone though
I just couldn't find anything that fit the situation,so I did kinda force them
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The Fog Forever and Ever I forgot what time it is in Madrid | |
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| ana | Aug 5 2007, 03:13 PM Post #4 |
*eskizo*
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i mostly agree with all that morgan said, except for a couple of things: first off, about that last bit that last bit "It's time to move on And to look at whats ahead But it's those Heartfelt-goodbyes That I will always dread" it does make sense to me, though it is true that the "but" sounds a little weird - i'd look for something else there. and concerning rhyming, i must say that i don't really like rhymezone and the likes of it, cos imo it doesn't really help develop any true skill. personally, i'd go for a little free-hand writing, just for the sake of improving flow and expression, and leave rhyming aside for a while, since that's definitely not a priority. but yeah, it's good to see you writing, blake. this piece is overall okay, even if there are things to be improved, so keep at it.
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I'M SPAINISH! I DOSENT SPLEL WEL! | |
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| Blake | Aug 7 2007, 09:36 PM Post #5 |
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Vwls Sck!!
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Thanks ana, I'm thinking about writing another tonight or tommorow, but more of a non-rhyming poem. Just something I wanted to try
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The Fog Forever and Ever I forgot what time it is in Madrid | |
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