Closet Speedfreak

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Closet Speedfreak
Topic Started: Jul 3 2007, 01:57 PM (115 Views)
Morgan	Jul 3 2007, 01:57 PM Post #1
Dinkin' flicka. Posts: 1,890 Group: Staff Member #2 Joined: June 28, 2006 Gender: Male Name: Morgan Location: Sarasota, FL Last.fm: rockon1824	My 1984 style piece on what America (and the world in general) is headed towards...it's a song in punk style. edit: revised. They're resting on confusion And violence and illusion Whatever it takes to get inside of you So you eat the food they feed you And swallow the pills they give you You don't realize what it's changing inside of you Now your golden locks have fallen out of your hairnet And you lost your virginity on the TV screen There's existential themes 'cause "Life is what you make it" Got excuses upon excuses: call 'em "the American dream" Everything is broken and it can't be fixed Now every store's a chain Where only quantity remains 'Cause that's what it takes to make you mass-produced And you won't question what they say No matter how harmful or insane You won't even realize what they've done to you And now your brown eyes have been changed to blue And medical marvels have restored your virginity There's apocalyptic themes like the planet's aligning But we've fixed that by blowing them all to smithereens Everything is broken and it can't be fixed You rely on the drugs, they're keeping you alive You rely on the drugs that speed up the pace of life You rely on the drugs, they keep you pretty You rely on the drugs to stifle your appetite Everything is broken and it can't be fixed Quick note: the "chorus" parts ("Everything is broken...") are repeated four times.
	If If you If you could If you could only If you could only stop If you could only stop your If you could only stop your heart If you could only stop your heart beat If you could only stop your heart beat for If you could only stop your heart beat for one heart If you could only stop your heart beat for one heart beat.


Guitarbreaker	Jul 7 2007, 09:13 PM Post #2
Don't BLINK!!! Posts: 2,368 Group: Members Member #17 Joined: June 28, 2006 Gender: Male	Quote: They're resting on confusion And violence and illusion Whatever it takes to get inside of you So you eat the food they feed you And swallow the pills they give you You don't realize what it's changing inside of you I like it, it reminds a lot of Porcupine Trees new album lyrics. Quote: And now your golden locks have fallen out of your hairnet You lost your virginity on the TV screen There's existential themes 'cause "Life is what you make it" Got excuses upon excuses: call 'em "the American dream" I really think there should be an and in the line "You lost your virginity on the TV screen" see "And you lost your virginity on the TV screen". Quote: Everything is broken and it can't be fixed Meh, I think this line should be revised or cut because of it's initial placement, it doesn't fit when spoken a loud. Quote: Now every store's a chain Where only quantity remains 'Cause that's what it takes to make you mass-produced Soon everyone's in chains Doing the same things You won't even realize what they've done to you This stanza is kinda forced, revise it. Quote: And now your brown eyes have been changed to blue Medical marvels have restored your virginity There's apocalyptic themes like the planet's aligning But we've fixed that by blowing them all to smithereens Add an and to second line and this stanza would sound wonderful. Quote: You rely on the drugs, they're keeping you alive You rely on the drugs that speed up the pace of life You rely on the drugs, they keep you pretty You rely on the drugs to stifle your appetite Meh, it's alright, it would work perfectly for a song structure.



Morgan	Jul 9 2007, 01:59 PM Post #3
Dinkin' flicka. Posts: 1,890 Group: Staff Member #2 Joined: June 28, 2006 Gender: Male Name: Morgan Location: Sarasota, FL Last.fm: rockon1824	Thanks for the crit. I revised it a little bit but I'm still not really happy with the fourth stanza...
	If If you If you could If you could only If you could only stop If you could only stop your If you could only stop your heart If you could only stop your heart beat If you could only stop your heart beat for If you could only stop your heart beat for one heart If you could only stop your heart beat for one heart beat.


ana	Jul 9 2007, 11:58 PM Post #4
eskizo Posts: 5,763 Group: Staff Member #27 Joined: June 29, 2006 Gender: Female Name: Ana Location: Madrid	i've mixed feelings about the repetition of "you" in the first stanza: it's somewhat annoying, though it does work well. Quote: There's existential themes 'cause "Life is what you make it" i liked this line very much. the whole stanza's overall a good one, but for some reason this kinda stood out. sweet. Quote: And now your brown eyes have been changed to blue And medical marvels have restored your virginity There's apocalyptic themes like the planet's aligning But we've fixed that by blowing them all to smithereens i love this stanza. perfect. hmm, i'm not sure about the "you rely on the drugs" repeptition - it doesn't sound bad, but it seems like you're putting a lot of emphasis on that one thing - focusing completely on it - while the rest of the piece is a little more general, you know, so it's kinda... dunno, distracting i guess. it does quite match your style, though, as does the chorus, so it's a minor thing. overall i quite liked this piece, it's fairly strong and your writing here's pretty good. oh and i like the topic. good job.
	I'M SPAINISH! *I DOSENT SPLEL WEL!*


Morgan	Jul 10 2007, 09:37 AM Post #5
Dinkin' flicka. Posts: 1,890 Group: Staff Member #2 Joined: June 28, 2006 Gender: Male Name: Morgan Location: Sarasota, FL Last.fm: rockon1824	Well, in broad view, each part of the song focuses on a different societal ill, so I didn't see the drug part as too "focused." Actually, most of the song is meant to be about the effect on drugs on society, hence the title, but I also threw some other stuff in there. Thanks for the crit
	If If you If you could If you could only If you could only stop If you could only stop your If you could only stop your heart If you could only stop your heart beat If you could only stop your heart beat for If you could only stop your heart beat for one heart If you could only stop your heart beat for one heart beat.


ana	Jul 10 2007, 12:57 PM Post #6
eskizo Posts: 5,763 Group: Staff Member #27 Joined: June 29, 2006 Gender: Female Name: Ana Location: Madrid	i know what you're going for, but it's just the impression i get when reading it. you see, you say stuff like "(you) swallow the pills they give you" and stuff like that which can be associated to drugs without it being said so directly, and you keep some sort of a narrative continuity throughout stanzas, and then you switch to repeating that one bit not twice or three times but four in a four-line stanza. dunno, it just messes a little with the style, imo - it does suit it being a punk song, though, but it's rather different to the rest of the piece. dunno, as i said it's a minor thing - and obviously a mere opinion -, but your writing is overall quite good, and that one bit somewhat ruins the effect in that aspect. it doesn't ruin the piece itself, mind you, but i do like subtleties better.
	I'M SPAINISH! *I DOSENT SPLEL WEL!*


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