Untitled Poem/Lyrics

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Which do you think is the better ending?
Ending Choice #1	2 (50%)
Ending Choice #2	2 (50%)
Total Votes: 4

Untitled Poem/Lyrics; SoTW! I need help with the ending!
Topic Started: Nov 9 2006, 05:12 PM (571 Views)
Opeth_Rules_All	Nov 9 2006, 05:12 PM Post #1
Silent Dance With Death Posts: 670 Group: Members Member #15 Joined: June 28, 2006 Name: Caleb	OK, well here lately I've been listening to alot of Cradle of Filth, and I've been reading their lyrics, because I absolutely love Dani Filth's lyrics. It has also gotten me interested into things such as gothic cathedrals and Satansim. (Not converting to Satanism, just interested in what it is exactly.) So this inspired me to write some lyrics/poem that are inspired by Filth and the sort of goth type literature. But, I have two different endings. I'll tell you where the two different choices are. So just give your opinion and vote on which of the endings you like more, and also please do comment on the poem overall. What's good, what's bad, etc. Thanks to any comments and help. Clanking footsteps on the brick street As the quiet town sleeps in the still of the night A new blood passes through the fog That cloud up the streets and buildings The clock strikes twelve at the tower And so the bell begins to toll And upon this ringing noise, what is to appear? A nice, elegant, beautiful young woman Upon her grace, I fill with lust And i see her ravenous stare "What a beautiful soul" i say to myself As my own begins to tear The moon shone down upon her beautiful face I knew that she had to be mine Nothing could stand in way of our fate Our eyes in a strong helded bind I stop in my tracks, to give a quick stare As she does for me I open my mouth to speaketh to her And this i said to thee: "What beautiful skin, thou art have So soft and tender I see." So she opens her mouth and says in reply "Oh won't thou come with me?" As she lures me to a church And into a candlelit room I am placed on a bed, and vivid she said "We shall make love under the moon" We both felt love for one-another In this room so dimly lit We stare at each other with eyes of desire Our hearts so perfectly fit But in all this happiness Something went wrong A bust through the door ...A priest and five others We are broken apart The priest gave a glare He shouts at my love "How even you dare?" The priest is her father We're held back by men He says that we'll pay For our evil demonic sins The townspeople are called together For the viewing of our death The priest yells at us "hallowed be thy name" And then he turned around and left I look at my love with one last stare For we know it's the end of us both I said to her "I love you my dear" with the noose around our necks While the priest does nothing but boast Our eyes filled with tears Our love was abound A pull of the level And our feet dangle above the ground The priest showed no regret That he had just had his daughter killed He thought he'd done good He didn't even pray or kneel The town went to sleep As did the priest He thought we were evil But he was beast It wasn't quite over Revenge would be done What happened that night Was oh so much fun As the priest slept in his bed So calm, peacefully, and out I snuck in his room, posessed by soul Jultice would be done, no doubt I crept in his room, as quiet as can be The look on his face, so evil I see I smothered his face, with a pillow close by And so this I did to thee... The town woke up To a bitter suprise The priest had to pay For his misleading lies Ending Choice #1 People gathered around In shock of their sight A corpse hung high... ...Their self-righteous priest...Of which I had done Ending Choice #2 People gathered around In shock of their sight The church's cross had been turned upside down With the priest nailed to it...which I had done I added a couple stanzas there towards the end. And I'm also still debating the end. The first one is a bit more payback-ish, because the man in the story did to the priest what he had done to him and his love, yet the second ending is more evil, and is more of an anti-christian ending. And ironic, because it happened to a priest.
	*You can call me Mr. Oblivious!*


ana	Nov 9 2006, 05:49 PM Post #2
eskizo Posts: 5,763 Group: Staff Member #27 Joined: June 29, 2006 Gender: Female Name: Ana Location: Madrid	wow, is this long... overall i very much like it, though there's some problems with the writing. i don't have time to do a full crit now (dinner's nearly ready) but i'd advice you to revise it. there's a couple of spelling mistakes (i'm guessing typos) and some words that don't seem to be right, and the verb tenses are rather confusing at times, cos you change from past to present in a rather random way. other than that, there's some very good stuff here. for now i can't really make up my mind about the ending, but i'll have another look at that later. nice job, mate.
	I'M SPAINISH! *I DOSENT SPLEL WEL!*


Morgan	Nov 9 2006, 06:07 PM Post #3
Dinkin' flicka. Posts: 1,890 Group: Staff Member #2 Joined: June 28, 2006 Gender: Male Name: Morgan Location: Sarasota, FL Last.fm: rockon1824	#2. It's more ironic. I must also say that the first half or so of this piece is some of the best lyrics I've ever read, but the wording and stuff starts to lack towards the end. Still, it is excellent.
	If If you If you could If you could only If you could only stop If you could only stop your If you could only stop your heart If you could only stop your heart beat If you could only stop your heart beat for If you could only stop your heart beat for one heart If you could only stop your heart beat for one heart beat.


Opeth_Rules_All	Nov 9 2006, 07:20 PM Post #4
Silent Dance With Death Posts: 670 Group: Members Member #15 Joined: June 28, 2006 Name: Caleb	Yeahh, I noticed that towards the end, it was sorta sudden and did somewhat lack what I had going on before. I'll try to add on, or maybe even just completely redo the ending. And thanks for the comment Morgan. It makes me proud to hear that you like my lyrics (well, the first half anyways lol) so much.
	*You can call me Mr. Oblivious!*


ana	Nov 10 2006, 12:34 AM Post #5
eskizo Posts: 5,763 Group: Staff Member #27 Joined: June 29, 2006 Gender: Female Name: Ana Location: Madrid	hell, this is gonna be a long crit... but hey, the piece deserves it, so here you go. Quote: Clanking footsteps on the brick street As the quiet town sleeps in the still of the night A new blood passes through the fog That cloud up the streets and buildings "a new blood", with the article, sounds kinda weird to me, and "cloud" is kinda confusing, cos if it refers to the fog, it should have an s - it depends on wht you're saying, though, but i can't really tell given the lack of punctuation at the end of the lines. personally i'd avoid repeating "street" in the same stanza, but it's not really a problem here. good start, it incites to read on. Quote: The clock strikes twelve at the tower And so the bell beings to toll And upon this ringing noise, what is to appear? A nice, elegant, beautiful young woman did you mean "begins" in the second line? no other complaints here. Quote: Upon her grace, I fill with lust And i see her ravenous stare "What a beautiful soul" i say to myself As my own begins to tear The moon shone down upon her beautiful face I knew that she had to be mine Nothing could stand in way of our fate Our eyes in a strong helded bind "i fill with lust"? that made me go "you fill what?" dunno, i'd say "i'm filled". i absolutely love the second and third line, the wording's just great. only problem is, you repeat "beautiful" three times (you said it in the previous stanza and here you say it twice), it's just a bit too much, in my opinion. in the last line, "helded"? i'd make some minor changes in this stanza, like the stuff i mentioned, but other than that it's pretty good. Quote: I stop in my tracks, to give a quick stare As she does for me I open my mouth to speaketh to her And this i said to thee: "What beautiful skin, thou art have So soft and tender I see." So she opens her mouth and says in reply "Oh won't thou come with me?" i got lost here. "speaketh" doesn't sound right in that third line, for some reason, though i really have no idea when it can or can''t be used. on the other hand, "thee" (fourth line) sounds rather weird, cos you suddenly change from a third person to a first person - when talking about that girl, i mean. in line 5, "thou art have" makes no sense to me (you are have?), i'd check that. ignoring all this, i like the change to old english - i love old english, so it's very cool to see it other than in shakespeare's works - and the storty kinda gets interesting here. good. Quote: As she lures me to a church And into a candlelit room I am placed on a bed, and vivid she said "We shall make love under the moon" good. Quote: We both felt love for one-another In this room so dimly lit We stare at each other with eyes of desire Our hearts so perfectly fit But in all this happiness Something went wrong A bust through the door ...A priest and five others if you're gonna keep the past tense in the last bit, maybe you could make that "felt" in the first line a present tense too, then it would sound better. i like the last line here. for some reason it seems totally out of the flow or something, but it's perfect, the effect it creates is very cool. me likes. Quote: We are broken apart The priest gave a glare He shouts at my love "How even you dare?" The priest if her father We're held back by men He says that we'll pay For our evil demonic sins again, i'd keep this whole stanza in present tense, otherwise the "gave" second line sounds kinda misplaced. in line 5, did you mean "is her father"? personally, i'd reword lines the fourth and the last line - especially the last -, just to help the flow. still, very good verse. the lines are short and concise, but their being direct works real well here. Quote: The townspeople are called together For the viewing of our death The priest yells at us "hallowed be thy name" And then he turned around and left great. Quote: I look at my love with one last stare For we know it's the end of us both I said to her "I love you my dear" with the noose around our necks While the priest does nothing but boast Our eyes filled with tears Our love was abound A pull of the level And our feet dangle above the ground yet again, i'd keep the tenses a bit more steady - like either all of it in present tense or the first four lines in present and the last four in past tense. "the noose around our necks" sounds strange, it makes me picture a single noose for two people, and i bet that's not quite it. another good verse nontheless. Quote: The priest showed no regret That he had just had his daughter killed He thought he'd done good He didn't even pray or kneel hmm, i'd do some rewording, for this part seems to lack the strength you had conveyed in the previous stanzas. Quote: The town went to sleep As did the priest He thought we were evil But He was beast how come you've written "He" with a capital? the way you've worded the last line, i think it would look better if "beast" had the capital, dunno. i like this verse. Quote: It wasn't quite over Revenge would be done What happened that night Was oh so much fun hmm, not bad, but i preferred the structure you used before. dunno, longer stanzas with longer lines kinda suit this piece better, in my opinion, and writing all this last part with short four-line verses... dunno, i think it could be improved. Quote: The town woke up To a bitter suprise The priest had to pay For his misleading lies same here, good verse but maybe you could join this stanza and the previous one and do some rewording to recover the style you'd used before. Quote: Ending Choice #1 People gathered around In shock of their sight A corpse hung high... ...Their self-righteous priest...Of which I had done kinda weird wording, though not bad. Quote: Ending Choice #2 People gathered around In shock of their sight The church's cross had been turned upside down With the priest nailed to it...which I had done better than the first ending, though i'd consider making it more descriptive - like to create a very vivid image of the priest being hung and all, and then having that "which i had done" as the last line (maybe reword that too to make it even stronger, dunno). it's a good verse, but i think it's the change in structure that still annoys me. meh, it's just an opinion, it's really up to you and your tastes. overall this is a very good piece, it has some great parts and in general there's a lot of strength to it. the story itself is not an extraordinarily original one, but still you've managed to express things rather vividly, and your writing allows the reader to create an image that they could relate to in some way. by the way, i think i said it before, but i say the second ending. man, i think this is one of the best pieces i've read lately, so congrats. and keep posting!
	I'M SPAINISH! *I DOSENT SPLEL WEL!*


Opeth_Rules_All	Nov 10 2006, 02:37 PM Post #6
Silent Dance With Death Posts: 670 Group: Members Member #15 Joined: June 28, 2006 Name: Caleb	ana Nov 9 2006, 11:34 PM overall this is a very good piece, it has some great parts and in general there's a lot of strength to it. the story itself is not an extraordinarily original one, but still you've managed to express things rather vividly, and your writing allows the reader to create an image that they could relate to in some way. by the way, i think i said it before, but i say the second ending. man, i think this is one of the best pieces i've read lately, so congrats. and keep posting! Thanks for the long crit ana. There were a few typos in there. (I was looking at my paper while typing and sorta just quickly read over it before putting it in.) And some things, such as using "thou art have," I believe are right. (Unless my dictionary is wrong or i misread it or something. lol) And I agree with your complaints. I'm planning on re-doing the ending at some point. And I said to Morgan, I'm glad that you like it as much as you do.
	*You can call me Mr. Oblivious!*


ana	Nov 10 2006, 11:50 PM Post #7
eskizo Posts: 5,763 Group: Staff Member #27 Joined: June 29, 2006 Gender: Female Name: Ana Location: Madrid	i mentioned that "thou art have" cos it's weird, like if i'm not wrong it means "you are have", and moreover i've never seen a construction like it in old english at all (i've studied shakespeare's plays and similar stuff, in case you wanna know). dunno, it just sounded extremely strange to me... i'm glad my crit was useful, and you're very welcome. EDIT(20-11-06): here. Quote: As the priest slept in his bed So calm, peacefully, and out I snuck in his room, posessed by soul Jultice would be done, no doubt to be honest, i'm not too big a fan of "snuck". i know it's more or less accepted and all, but i still like "sneaked" better. "posessed" should be "possessed", and i'm guessing "jultice" should be "justice", right? not a bad verse, though nothing outstanding either. Quote: I crept in his room, as quiet as can be The look on his face, so evil I see I smothered his face, with a pillow close by And so this I did to thee... hmm, i think i'd use the present tense in the first line - say "creep" so the first two lines will use only present tenses. otherwise it's a bit of a mess, in my opinion. dunno, i'd rather have two lines in present tense and two in past tense than mix then all up. that "thee" in the last line sounds a bit confusing, cos it's not too clear to me who you're addressing that to - are you talking to the priest, to the villagers...? dunno, it's just a bit strange to switch from the third person to the second person that bluntly, i'd reword that. i like this. the wording of these two stanzas is not quite extraordinary, but it's good enough and they work pretty well as part of such a long piece. it's good that you've included a more explicit reference to the priest's death too, cos then the fact that he's hung/nailed to the cross is clearly something symbolic - it's somewhat easier for the reader to interpret, if you know what i mean. good job. and by the way, congrats on the sotw win!
	I'M SPAINISH! *I DOSENT SPLEL WEL!*


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