Daylight

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Daylight
Topic Started: Nov 2 2006, 10:12 PM (103 Views)
ana	Nov 2 2006, 10:12 PM Post #1
eskizo Posts: 5,763 Group: Staff Member #27 Joined: June 29, 2006 Gender: Female Name: Ana Location: Madrid	okay, in case any of you remember a poem i posted ages ago called "nightmares", yes: this piece pretty much resembles it in structure (or lack of it lol), style and starting lines. for some reason i started writing along the lines of that piece this morning, and this is what i came up with. personally i like "nightmares" a lot more, but i'd like to hear what you guys have to say about it. by the way, i'm not at all sure about the title, so i'd be glad to hear any comments or suggestions about that too. hope you like it. Daylight Good morning, day-time, Am I once again the first To think you’re empty Of all that you said you’d bear? I wish I could just lie in bed, For there is nought for me out there; Where people hurry, Running up and down a lane That leads them nowhere And makes them quickly forget The things they shared, The times they cared, The life for which they weren’t prepared; The daylight seems to wipe their fears away And only brightens up A mood they falsely bare, While they act proud And strong as stone, Ready to face whatever challenge Their fake living brings along. But am I meant To be another of the sort, Willing to smile on As the world trips me And I begin to fall? I want to know what’s waiting for me At the bottom of the drop, For maybe now The time has come To stop fighting And let go of my thoughts, Becoming only One more no one in the queue That leads nowhere Stealing both sanity and time, Leaving you lonely, Wondering why you’re left behind.
	I'M SPAINISH! *I DOSENT SPLEL WEL!*


Morgan	Nov 3 2006, 04:41 PM Post #2
Dinkin' flicka. Posts: 1,890 Group: Staff Member #2 Joined: June 28, 2006 Gender: Male Name: Morgan Location: Sarasota, FL Last.fm: rockon1824	I must say I love this piece. I love how you only rhymed in some areas and it kind of emphasized some things. Only one thing: "naught" is spelled wrong (Line 6). I also have expressed my distaste for the word "fake" before but I guess that's just personal preference. I just think there are so many better words that can express that meaning. Oh and I absolutely love the line "One more no one in the queue". 'sgot my vote.
	If If you If you could If you could only If you could only stop If you could only stop your If you could only stop your heart If you could only stop your heart beat If you could only stop your heart beat for If you could only stop your heart beat for one heart If you could only stop your heart beat for one heart beat.


ana	Nov 3 2006, 05:00 PM Post #3
eskizo Posts: 5,763 Group: Staff Member #27 Joined: June 29, 2006 Gender: Female Name: Ana Location: Madrid	^^in fact "nought" is a variant of "naught" - therefore both are correct, only i tend to write it with an o cos otherwise the mere looks of the word makes me think of "naughty", and that obviously has nothing to do with it... thanks a lot for the comment, i'm very glad you liked this piece.
	I'M SPAINISH! *I DOSENT SPLEL WEL!*


synth	Nov 4 2006, 02:03 AM Post #4
MT's ONLY JENNIFER Posts: 814 Group: Members Member #46 Joined: July 26, 2006	I'll get to this on Sunday night (I'm going spelunking over the weekend ) I pwomise. At first glance though, I really like it.
	-Homosexual Jennifer.


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