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Welcome to the New Paradise; SoTW!
Topic Started: Oct 20 2006, 09:31 PM (452 Views)
Ninja Kitten	Oct 20 2006, 09:31 PM Post #1
01011011 01100100 01110110 01011101 Posts: 1,529 Group: Members Member #9 Joined: June 28, 2006	Eh, stupid school assignment. Need revised by Monday Thanks for the help. Ladies and Gentlemen, Please listen up, I want to welcome you, To welcome you to the new paradise. At first glace it seems just the same but I assure you that it is everything but. Upon closer examination you shall see, All before you is man-made. All of this no longer exists. We destoryed the original in our quest, To create something beautiful, To create something concrete. Look at this tree, Such a obvious imitation. Go ahead, knock on wood, Its completely hollow. Now for these plants, They seem so exotic. If you look closer You might just see, They're made of plastic. Ah, now for this beach, It seems so perfect But can't you see? On each piece of sand There is written a message... They proudly display, "Made in Japan". Ladies and Gentlemen, I hope you enjoy your stay. Ladies and Gentlemen, This is the new paradise. Welcome to evolution.
	clicky?


ana	Oct 21 2006, 08:07 AM Post #2
eskizo Posts: 5,763 Group: Staff Member #27 Joined: June 29, 2006 Gender: Female Name: Ana Location: Madrid	Quote: Ladies and Gentlemen, Please listen up, I want to welcome you, To welcome you to the new paradise. At first glace it seems just the same but I assure you that it is everything but. good verse, makes a nice start. my only complain is the last line, it sounds very weird - everything but what? dunno, it doesn't sound quite right in my head. still, it's a good introduction for a speech of some sort, so the effect when reading the whole piece is great. Quote: Upon closer examination you shall see, All before you is man-made. All of this no longer exists. We destoryed to original in our quest, To create something beautiful, To create something concrete. check the spelling, there's a typo in the third line. that line makes no sense to me whatsoever, by the way, check it maybe? "to original" in the fourth line doesn't either - did you mean "the original"? the rest is very good, i especially like the wording of the first two lines and the use of "concrete" at the end - oh, the polysemy of that word... Quote: Look at this tree, Such a cheap imitation. Go ahead, knock on wood, Its completely hollow. hmm, though there's nothing really wrong here, "cheap" sounds to me like it's not quite the best word you could use. i mean, you've been talking about a quest and something beautiful, so cheap sounds rather negative among a lot of great and positive stuff - do you know what i mean? oh well, that's the only thing i can say, good verse. Quote: Now for these plants, They seem so exotic. If you look closer You just might see, They're made of plastic. would you consider putting "just" after "might" in that fourth line? it would sound a bit more natural, in my opinion. but yet again, good verse. Quote: Ah, now for this beach, It seems so perfect But can't you see? On each piece of sand There is written a message... They proudly display, "Made in China". lol this verse is very cool, it made me smile when i read it - still does, mind you. i can't find a single problem here, but i was thinking about that "made in china" line. what if you said made in taiwan, or made in japan, or something like that which woud play around with the rhymes? dunno, just a thought. cool stanza. Quote: Ladies and Gentlemen, I hope you enjoy your stay. Ladies and Gentlemen, This is the new paradise. This is evolution. i'm not quite sure, but why did you write this separately, in two different stanzas? it could probably go well as a single verse... oh well, never mind. personally i'd say something like "welcome to evolution" for the last line, but that's probably just me. overall, i must say i like this piece very much, there's some very good ideas in it and the word choice throughout the whole thing is pretty good too. ah, wish i had to do this kind of stuff for uni... good job, dion.
	I'M SPAINISH! *I DOSENT SPLEL WEL!*


Ninja Kitten	Oct 21 2006, 10:05 AM Post #3
01011011 01100100 01110110 01011101 Posts: 1,529 Group: Members Member #9 Joined: June 28, 2006	Haha, I was assigned to right a poem on Paradise after watching and listening to this. So I sat there and watched kids finish in about five minutes, and reading theres about the "paradise" they saw. I was just like screw this, I am going to do something completely different just because I can. Anyways... some of the parts might just not make sense because it is worded in an "out there" way. Quote: At first glace it seems just the same but I assure you that it is everything but. Everything but the same. Then again, it is worded really weird. I will work on changing that. Quote: All of this no longer exists. ^^ Someone else check this please, because it makes sense to me... The rest of it seems like pretty good advice. Thank you for taking the time
	clicky?


ana	Oct 21 2006, 10:20 AM Post #4
eskizo Posts: 5,763 Group: Staff Member #27 Joined: June 29, 2006 Gender: Female Name: Ana Location: Madrid	^^what do you mean, an "out there" way? "all of this no longer exists" makes sense as a phrase, it's the context that i'm talking about. you're speaking about a paradise that has been made, and that sentence sounds reeeeally ambiguous, cos what isn't there anymore is the original, right? yet "this" can't refer to that original, since you don't mention it till the following line. (am i making any sense? ) and i know you mean everything but the same in the first verse, i just mentioned that cos the wording's strange. it's cool that you don't just go for the typical easy stuff, it makes a good change to see originality once in a while.
	I'M SPAINISH! *I DOSENT SPLEL WEL!*


Ninja Kitten	Oct 21 2006, 10:25 AM Post #5
01011011 01100100 01110110 01011101 Posts: 1,529 Group: Members Member #9 Joined: June 28, 2006	Yeah, I guess I did say that before mentioning that the original is now gone... In an "out there" way I just mean parts of it are worded really strange. Let me try and change that stanza around a bit.
	clicky?


ana	Nov 4 2006, 04:07 PM Post #6
eskizo Posts: 5,763 Group: Staff Member #27 Joined: June 29, 2006 Gender: Female Name: Ana Location: Madrid	i know it's been ages since you posted this and all, but anyways. just two minor mistakes: in the second verse you misspelled "destroyed", and in the third verse it should say "such AN obvious imitation". other than that, i dig the changes you made. sweet. oh and congrats for winning the sotw, you really deserve this one.
	I'M SPAINISH! *I DOSENT SPLEL WEL!*


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