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| The Cask of Amontillado- Fortunato's Story | |
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| Topic Started: Aug 21 2006, 06:35 PM (269 Views) | |
| Ninja Kitten | Aug 21 2006, 06:35 PM Post #1 |
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This is just a remake of the Cask of Amontillado that I am required to do for school. I had to write it from the viewpoint of Fortunato. So yea, I would be very happy if a couple of you would read over it and tell me what you think. And Morgan, if you could, recommend any grammar changes. Thanks :ph43r: It was a normal night at the carnival. I, as usual, had been drinking a bit too much and was noticeably intoxicated. I had been walking the festivals dressed in a tight fitting parti-striped dress and had a conical cap with bells upon my head. On that night I ran into my old friend Montresor. He greeted me with a smile and proceeded to tell me about his recent acquirement. He claimed to have come about a whole pipe of Amontillado! Can you believe that? A whole pipe in the middle of the carnival! He like me was doubtful about whether or not it was the real thing. He quickly tried to leave saying that he was on his way to see Luchesi. “Luchesi cannot tell Amontillado from Sherry!” I quickly exclaimed. At that point I persuaded him into taking me instead. He stubbornly tried to tell me that he didn’t want to impose upon my good nature and that it was in the best interest of my health not to come. The cask lay in his vaults where it was incredibly damp and overrun with nitre, which would be horrible for my cold. Despite that all, I pushed on further and he finally agreed. He quickly slipped on a black mask and tied his coat tightly… I foolishly thought nothing of it. As we headed towards the vaults Montresor grabbed two torches from the wall, keeping one for himself and handing the other to me. He led me further, down a winding staircase and into the catacombs of the Montresors. At that point I noticed the nitre that webbed its way across both walls. I then burst into a fit of coughing and was unable to speak for many minutes. “Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! -- Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! -- Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! -- Ugh! Ugh! Ugh!” When I finally regained the ability to speak I quickly dismissed the cough as nothing. “The cough is a mere nothing; it will not kill me. I shall not die of a cough.” I said. Montresor then offered me a bottle of Medoc saying, “It would defend me from the damps”. We both drank from it, I to those buried around us and he to my long life. The arms of intoxication slowly engulfed me. As we proceeded down we continued to talk. And to drink. Not only did we finish the Medoc, but I also emptied an entire flagon of De Grave. I was now prisoner to the alcohol. Barely can I recall any of the events to come. I vaguely remember him leading me further down. We passed many arches and finally arrived at a deep crypt. Three of the crypt’s walls we lined with the bones of human remains. On the fourth there was a small interior recess. Montresor led me into it saying “Proceed, herein is the Amontillado.” I stumbled in and found myself facing a granite wall. I stood there for a second in confusion. That is when Montresor chained me to the wall. Too surprised to even resist, I stood there and watched him walk out of the recess. He then said “Pass your hand over the wall; you cannot help feeling the nitre. I must implore you to return. No? Then I must leave you.” “The Amontillado!” I cried. “True, the Amontillado,” he replied. Montresor left me there and soon returned with stone and mortar. He laid down the first tier of stone. He was to enclose me forever! About the time he laid the first stone the effects of the alcohol began to wear off. I let out a low moaning cry from the recess. He continued. Brick after brick, tier after tier, he continued until he finished the fourth tier. I furiously fought against the chains. I struggled for what seemed like hours but was merely minutes. When I finally tired and stopped, Montresor continued. I did not move until he finished the seventh tier. He held out the torch in my direction to get a look at me and I let out loud, shrill screams. At first I startled him, but then he began to scream along with me, echoing each piercing scream I let loose in an attempt to drown me out. Eventually he continued the task at hand. When he placed the final stone partially into its final resting place I let out a great laugh and said “A very good joke indeed —an excellent jest. We will have many a rich laugh about it at the palazzo!” “The Amontillado!” he replied. I let out another laugh and said “Yes, the Amontillado, but is it not getting late? Will they not be waiting for us at the palazzo?” “Yes, let us be gone.” “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, MONTRESOR!” I screamed. He coolly answered “Yes, for the love of God!” I did not know what to say next, so I sat there silently. I heard Montresor cry out “Fortunato!” I chose not to answer. Again he called “Fortunato!” And once again I stood silent. I then saw the torch fall out of the open space. It startled me and I moved causing the bells upon my head to jingle. He then completed the wall, sealing my fate. For more than half a century not a single soul has disturbed my resting place. EDIT: Some changes made |
| clicky? | |
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| Morgan | Aug 21 2006, 06:39 PM Post #2 |
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Dinkin' flicka.
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Wow that's a lot. What's with all the Cask of Amontillado in this forum lol. Tell me when you need it by, I'm kind of busy but I want to crit it before you need it due at school. |
| Страшный суд скоро, все как свечи гореть будем. | |
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| Ninja Kitten | Aug 21 2006, 06:41 PM Post #3 |
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Haha, tommorrow :rolleyes: Its part of nineth grade english in Tampa... so yea. If you have time that would be cool, it not then don't worry about it :ph43r: |
| clicky? | |
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| Morgan | Aug 21 2006, 06:42 PM Post #4 |
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Dinkin' flicka.
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Ok, I'll get it done tonight. I've gotta eat and do a little homework, but check on later tonight and I'll have it. |
| Страшный суд скоро, все как свечи гореть будем. | |
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| Ninja Kitten | Aug 21 2006, 06:43 PM Post #5 |
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Thanks a lot. I really appreciate it
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| ana | Aug 21 2006, 07:25 PM Post #6 |
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*eskizo*
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i wouldn't use an exclamation mark in the third to last line. "parti-striped"? not sure what that is, never mind.
"real thing real"? check that, it doesn't sound quite right... that "impose" sounds to me like it could do with something more. "despite that all" would read better with a comma after it, i think. i'd write "tightly" instead of just "tight", maybe.
full stop after all those "ugh"s? "the ability of speech" sounds weird, what about "the ability to speak"? "the cough is a mere nothing" sounds repetitive, i'd look for a different wording maybe.
"but i also emptied" instead of just "i emptied"? dunno, just an idea. i'm not sure about that "to", it sounds weird to me. "bones of human remains"? strange idea, if you come to think of it...
i'd put a comma after "resist". "quickly" sounds strange at the start of that second to last sentence, rewording maybe?
a comma after "tier after tier"? hmm, yeah. a comma after "stopped" too. "had started" doesn't sound like the right tense, i think it should be just "started". a comma after "me"? it would read better.
after that first "fortunato!" you either need some puctuation or a linking word. and after the second one, either a full stop or no capital - i'd say full stop's better there, but dunno. "the" instead of "a"? second to last line is very cool, i like it.
overall, i think you need to read it again, cos there are some silly mistakes that you probably wouldn't make at all. those few "final"s sound a little too repeptitive, i'd look for some synonyms. and maybe try to find another way to say "resting place" as well, cos it's a bit too much if you use it more than once. other than that and some minor things that i highlighted, the writing's fairly good. i hope this is of any use, mate. but anyways, you'd better listen to morgan when he gets to this, cos we all know that he's the grammar whore while i dosent splel wel...
EDIT: i also made some little changes that i didn't mention, they're all highlighted. |
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I'M SPAINISH! I DOSENT SPLEL WEL! | |
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| Ninja Kitten | Aug 21 2006, 07:48 PM Post #7 |
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Some of the stuff you mentioned was just me trying to keep to the original by Edgar Allan Poe. Others were just me being stupid
Thanks for reading over it :ph43r:
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| clicky? | |
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| ana | Aug 21 2006, 07:53 PM Post #8 |
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*eskizo*
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oh ok then, to tell the truth i haven't read the original...
i hope you'll forgive my ignorance
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I'M SPAINISH! I DOSENT SPLEL WEL! | |
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| Morgan | Aug 21 2006, 09:15 PM Post #9 |
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Dinkin' flicka.
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I didn't feel like reading everything that ana wrote, so I apologize in advance for any repeats. I'm gonna do this kind of weird, bare with me:
*Get rid of this, you say "dress" a couple words later and it sounds weird. If you do take this out, take "has" out too to make it sound right. **Is that a word? If it's in the original story, keep it. If not, try and find something else. Put a comma after tight-fitting. Also, see if you can find a better description than "tight-fitting", otherwise it sounds like an erotica story. ***The first sentence here ("On that night...") sounds short, combine it by making it "...my old friend Montressor, who greeted me with a..." +Makes no sense. Make it "stumbled upon", "happen upon", or any other synonym for acquire. ++This is misleading. Sounds like it's there in the carnival, when it's "really" in the catacombs. Show your enthusiasm in a different sentence.
*Make it: "He, like me," **"leave, saying" ***This isn't necessary, but it's odd for dialogue in a sentence to end in anything besides a comma. Also, the exclamation point followed by the word "exclaimed" is also quite redundant, I'd just make the "!" a "," +Maybe mention your cold in the first paragraph? Also, mention something about you being a wine enthusiast, which explains why you started talking about this in the first place. On a positive note, I really like the last sentence.
Alright, that was getting annoying, I'll just explain things. Comma after "vaults" in first sentence. Too many "Ugh"'s. "I quickly dismissed the cough as nothing. “The cough is a mere nothing; it will not kill me. I shall not die of a cough.”" I've never seen anything more repetitive in my life. Just make it something like "When I finally regained the ability to speak I quickly dismissed the cough as nothing. “Don't mind my cough, it won't kill me.” Again, I like the last sentence.
Change bolded "we" to "were". For the last part, combine it to "I stumbled in and found myself facing a granite wall, which I stared at for a second in confusion."
Perfecto.
Sounds good to me.
A strange line, but fits in the scheme of things. Hope that helps. Good luck. |
| Страшный суд скоро, все как свечи гореть будем. | |
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| Ninja Kitten | Aug 22 2006, 06:05 AM Post #10 |
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Thanks for the help
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| clicky? | |
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i hope you'll forgive my ignorance
12:40 PM Jul 29