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Dylan Doyle: The Prologue {pt. 1}; ^^
Topic Started: Aug 13 2006, 09:07 PM (134 Views)
synth Aug 13 2006, 09:07 PM Post #1
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MT's ONLY JENNIFER
* * * * * *
I owe everyone crit and I will give them to you by tommorow evening (my time)












I have not coughed in such a long time;
I have been too silenced by ink
I have not tasted in such a long time;
I have been too sober to think
I have not seen in such a long time;
I have been swirled in the painting’s 1000 words
I have not lived in such a long time;
I have been sleeping, drugging my world,
Now the faceless wine has let my restless mind Unfurl.

I open my eyes.

A column of water strikes my chest catching me in a spell of little wheezings of rum and vodka and I realize with sputtering frozen breath
Here I am, tasting and seeing the abnormal 8th waves striking their needle-like punctures into my breast,
Here I am, living.
And through the parted clouds I see the sky that swirls into smudged knives of oil pastel
Cutting up the canvas that had stitched me together,
Darkening the color that had pieced my limbs into the forever of a moving picture,
One slide at a time, one click per millennia, slowly eroding my pillows to the sand that coated my lashes.
Here I am in a gentle high neither wake nor dead, hell, I bet I'm not even real.

But I do feel the easel propping up my back, I think thats sincere to my touch
And I do feel the drip of smooth starry wind and the coarse time-stream ribbons,
Those are just too beautiful to be feigned,
And I feel… I feel whole… I feel whole, my body is whole

I close my eyes.

My limbs begin to dance together
With the crescent waves and acrylic mist, and the dancing is true,
And those damn threads that hold my body to the heavens draw blood from my chest,
And the pain is genuine.

I open my eyes.
-Homosexual Jennifer.
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Chimaira Aug 13 2006, 11:04 PM Post #2
Aristocrat
 Wow... amazing as always, synth.

I liked the A,B,C,B rhymning pattern in the first four lines of the first stanza. You should've kept that going. That's my only complaint, and it's a very minor one. Your writing is amazingly descriptive, hats off to you, synth.
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synth Aug 14 2006, 03:32 AM Post #3
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MT's ONLY JENNIFER
* * * * * *
hahahahahahhaha, your sig is amazing, it made me laugh on so many levels (the double posting one) :haha :haha

o, and sry, I was rather drunk when I wrote this, I'll edit in the revised version.
-Homosexual Jennifer.
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Morgan Aug 14 2006, 08:46 AM Post #4
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Dinkin' flicka.

 I despise you.

You write better drunk then I do sober.

Only thing is some of the lines in the first part are a bit long. If you shortened them a tiny bit it would be 100% perfection.
If
If you
If you could
If you could only
If you could only stop
If you could only stop your
If you could only stop your heart
If you could only stop your heart beat
If you could only stop your heart beat for
If you could only stop your heart beat for one heart
If you could only stop your heart beat for one heart beat.
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Chimaira Aug 14 2006, 03:25 PM Post #5
Aristocrat
synth
Aug 14 2006, 03:32 AM
hahahahahahhaha, your sig is amazing, it made me laugh on so many levels (the double posting one) :haha :haha

o, and sry, I was rather drunk when I wrote this, I'll edit in the revised version.

Then vote for me for best sig. :unsure:

ROCKEDIT: Bitch, don't take away my votes! :no:
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ana Aug 27 2006, 05:30 AM Post #6
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*eskizo*

 i'd say that my opinion of this piece is pretty easy to tell, given that my biggest complaint about it is a "thats" which should have an apostrophe...

seriously, this is one amazing piece of writing. as nick said, it's damn descriptive, and since your style matches perfectly this kind of writing, the effect it makes is awsome. personally, i agree with morgan about the length of some lines, your writing's kinda dense in some parts cos you haven't used much punctuation and it's kinda hard to keep up with what you're saying, but it's not that important really. u gonna continue this? i'd be quite happy to read some more. :) great job, mate. :cheers:

I'M SPAINISH!

I DOSENT SPLEL WEL!

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Liberation Sep 5 2006, 11:04 PM Post #7
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LOL WUT?
 Brilliant, as are all your pieces. I dont think you need to do any work on this. The flow is great, the wording is done well.

Good work :cheers:
IloveAmber<3
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