Look Around When Night and Silence Take Over

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Look Around When Night and Silence Take Over
Topic Started: Aug 13 2006, 12:48 AM (114 Views)
Guitarbreaker	Aug 13 2006, 12:48 AM Post #1
Don't BLINK!!! Posts: 2,373 Group: Members Member #17 Joined: June 28, 2006 Gender: Male	Look Around When Night and Silence Take Over It’s not really a fact or a opinion, it’s just there Gloaming innocently Like a dove taking flight and drifting in mid-air I know I’ll regret it like the last few and forget Only to imprint myself once more Dread will engulf me for a short period of time, thinking, grieving, Maybe even thinking justly, If that is possible with my current status Of just whining and reminiscing Worthless dreams of stardom and romance We all dream but we all fall hard Like are parents and grand parents Who have given us blueprints To live according and be a productive member of a so called “society” That blends us on what our race has done in past and also the actions we convey Who really wants to live like this? Who really wants to be known? Who really wants to be loved? I for sure do instead of being oppressed and compressed until I suppress. It’s not really a fact or a opinion, it’s just there Gloaming innocently Engulfing people in a tornado Making them only see when it is all quiet and whirling around them Slowly and somber



Morgan	Aug 14 2006, 08:49 AM Post #2
Dinkin' flicka. Posts: 1,950 Group: Staff Member #2 Joined: June 28, 2006 Gender: Male Name: Morgan Location: Sarasota, FL Last.fm: rockon1824	Ah, I really like this piece. Probably your best yet. A few things: In the second stanza, second line, change the word "thinking" to something else as it sounds repetitive just being used a couple words before. I really love the first line of the third stanza, but the rest of it is much less appealing. Try to express that in a different way. It's much too direct and has no flow at all. Love the 4th stanza, especially the last line. Good job.
	Страшный суд скоро, все как свечи гореть будем.


ana	Aug 26 2006, 01:18 PM Post #3
eskizo Posts: 5,814 Group: Staff Member #27 Joined: June 29, 2006 Gender: Female Name: Ana Location: Madrid	Quote: It’s not really a fact or a opinion, it’s just there Gloaming innocently Like a dove taking flight and drifting in mid-air I know I’ll regret it like the last few and forget Only to imprint myself once more "an" opinion. is gloaming a verb? as far as i know it's a noun - it kinda sounds good here, though, so never mind. "imprint" sounds slightly weird, but that might be just me. good start. Quote: Dread will engulf me for a short period of time, thinking, grieving, Maybe even thinking justly, If that is possible with my current status Of just whining and reminiscing Worthless dreams of stardom and romance first line is weird cos i find it a bit hard to connect the first and the second part. what about something like "dread will engulf me for a short time as i am thinking, grieving"? meh, it sucks, but i hope you get what i mean. i agree with morgan about that "thinking" in the second line, the repetition doesn't sound okay here - it might if you swapped thinking and grieving in the first line, but i think i'd just look for another word. the third line seems to me different in style or something, but i like the last part of this stanza, so good. Quote: We all dream but we all fall hard Like are parents and grand parents Who have given us blueprints To live according and be a productive member of a so called “society” That blends us on what our race has done in past and also the actions we convey great first line. did you mean "our" in the second line? i'm not sure of the grammar, but it would sound better to me if, in the fourth line, you said "according to", and maybe you could also make that "member" a plural, since you said "us" before. also, i'm not sure about that "convey", though i don't really know what's wrong with it. i like this verse, anyways. Quote: Who really wants to live like this? Who really wants to be known? Who really wants to be loved? I for sure do instead of being oppressed and compressed until I suppress. nice, again there's a slight change to the style you've used in this piece. would you consider changing "i" to "i'm" in the last line? at the moment it lacks an object, and it sounds weird. Quote: It’s not really a fact or a opinion, it’s just there Gloaming innocently Engulfing people in a tornado Making them only see when it is all quiet and whirling around them Slowly and somber "an" opinion, as in the first stanza. i like the repetition of the first two lines, it works very well in this piece. "slowly and somber"? hmm, slowly doesn't seem to be the right word when i read this to myself, i'd look for another word that expresses better what you're trying to say. i like this verse as an ending, it's pretty good. overall i must say i quite like this piece, it's definitely one of your best. i particularly like how you've ommited enough stuff to allow the reader to make anything out of it, it's clear enough to relate to it but it's abstract enough to associate it with one's own life/thoughts/feelings/whatever and that makes it rather interesting. also, i must say i see here an improvement on your writing, there's very few mistakes and that definitely helps a lot. i'm sorry if i've sounded blunt at any point, i've had to write this twice cos my comp screwed up the first time and my mood these days doesn't help... anyways, great job here, josh.
	I'M SPAINISH! *I DOSENT SPLEL WEL!*


Liberation	Sep 5 2006, 11:12 PM Post #4
LOL WUT? Posts: 2,385 Group: Members Member #8 Joined: June 28, 2006 Gender: Male Name: Trevor Location: Edmonton, AB Last.fm: BloodAndBelief	Quote: It’s not really a fact or a opinion, it’s just there Gloaming innocently Like a dove taking flight and drifting in mid-air I know I’ll regret it like the last few and forget Only to imprint myself once more I love this. Quote: Dread will engulf me for a short period of time, thinking, grieving, Maybe even thinking justly, If that is possible with my current status Of just whining and reminiscing Worthless dreams of stardom and romance Again, I love this too. Quote: We all dream but we all fall hard Like are parents and grand parents Who have given us blueprints To live according and be a productive member of a so called “society” That blends us on what our race has done in past and also the actions we convey "Are" should be "our". Quote: Who really wants to live like this? Who really wants to be known? Who really wants to be loved? I for sure do instead of being oppressed and compressed until I suppress. I don't like the last line, maybe "I do, rather than being oppressed and compressed until I suppress" However, I think that line is the weakest in this piece either way. Quote: It’s not really a fact or a opinion, it’s just there Gloaming innocently Engulfing people in a tornado Making them only see when it is all quiet and whirling around them Slowly and somber Good. Overall, great piece with a few little things to fix up. Good work
	IloveKristian<3


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