a dotted line

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a dotted line
Topic Started: Aug 1 2006, 10:48 PM (141 Views)
Ninja Kitten	Aug 1 2006, 10:48 PM Post #1
01011011 01100100 01110110 01011101 Posts: 1,529 Group: Members Member #9 Joined: June 28, 2006	Haven't written in a couple of weeks so I did something really fast :-) A deal is a deal And I signed my name Signed my life away On the dotted line A deal is a deal So I’ll play along Take all you can from me Take it all away No one ever reads The fine print No one cares to Take the time No one will ever See the catch Signed my life away On the dotted line Set up from the beginning I fell into your trap It was too good to be true But I didn’t notice Until it was too late I didn't notice Until it was too late I signed my life away All on a dotted line Take it all from me Take it and don’t look back Take everything from me Take it all from me No one ever reads The fine print No one cares to Take the time No one will ever See the catch Signed my life away On the dotted line I Signed my life away All on a dotted line EDIT: Some changes made B)
	clicky?


Morgan	Aug 2 2006, 08:44 AM Post #2
Dinkin' flicka. Posts: 1,873 Group: Staff Member #2 Joined: June 28, 2006 Gender: Male Name: Morgan Location: Sarasota, FL Last.fm: rockon1824	Quote: A deal is a deal And I signed my name Signed my life away All on a dotted line Good so far, but as you will hear me say for the rest of this piece "All on a dotted line" needs to be changed. Too many syllables. Make it something like "On the/a dotted line". Other than that, good opener. Quote: A deal is a deal So I’ll play along Take all you can from me And take it with no shame I like the repetition of the first line. In the last line I'd suggest changing "with no shame" to a one word verb like "unabashed" or something, it would just sound better. Quote: No one ever reads The fine print No one cares to Take the time No one will ever See the catch Signed my life away All on a dotted line I absolutely love this part. Same thing I said before about the last line though. Quote: Set up from the beginning I fell into your trap It was too good to be true But I didn’t notice Until it was too late Until it was too late Pretty good. I think it's missing something though. I can't put my finger on it. Just tinker around with this part in your head for awhile. It needs something. Quote: Take it all from me Take it and don’t look back Take everything from me Take it all away I like this part, but I think it would be better if you made the last line the same as the first line. Songs and poetry that have that really sound good, and I think it would fit good here. It's not that big of a change. Quote: I Signed my life away All on a dotted line Good ending. I also like where it was earlier in the piece I just didn't feel like putting a seperate crit for it. Good job!
	If If you If you could If you could only If you could only stop If you could only stop your If you could only stop your heart If you could only stop your heart beat If you could only stop your heart beat for If you could only stop your heart beat for one heart If you could only stop your heart beat for one heart beat.


Ninja Kitten	Aug 2 2006, 09:13 AM Post #3
01011011 01100100 01110110 01011101 Posts: 1,529 Group: Members Member #9 Joined: June 28, 2006	Thanks, I made some of the changes. -Ninja :ph43r:
	clicky?


ana	Aug 25 2006, 09:57 PM Post #4
eskizo Posts: 5,752 Group: Staff Member #27 Joined: June 29, 2006 Gender: Female Name: Ana Location: Madrid	not bad, this piece has pretty good stuff in it. there's not enough i can point out to give it a full crit, so i'll just mention a couple of things that stood out to me. firstly, i'd use a different wording for the last line of the second verse, though, cos you already have loads of repetition later on in the piece. maybe something like "and thow it all away"? meh, that sucks, never mind - you get the idea anyways. also i like how you kinda play with the structure in the fourth stanza, it makes a good change. overall i like what you've come up with here, i quite like the idea behind the whole thing and it's good that you've kept things simple, it works well. good job.
	I'M SPAINISH! *I DOSENT SPLEL WEL!*


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