Reawakened

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Reawakened
Topic Started: May 16 2009, 07:51 PM (116 Views)
Warbeast	May 16 2009, 07:51 PM Post #1
A m'atriia, a ma Helvetia Posts: 214 Group: Members Member #798 Joined: August 23, 2008 Gender: Female Last.fm: Warbeast13	This is actually a complete and total revision of a crappy song I wrote over the summer. I think it turned out quite nice. There's a couple spots where I don't think it flows well, but whatever. Reawakened to this crisis My soul is on fire Sent here to be the protectors Our planet is dying Glacial melting at the poles Wildfires in the forests Oil burning in the sky Ignorance in the hearts of men While polar bears are dying We're toiling over our problems Selfish ways won't save the world Our Earth now threatens to collapse I want to run from this Self-fulfilling lifestyle Our friends are in danger I want to save them from us The raging fire in the Earth It now barely smolders Sent here to be the protectors We're killing what we love



Morgan	May 18 2009, 07:25 PM Post #2
Dinkin' flicka. Posts: 1,878 Group: Staff Member #2 Joined: June 28, 2006 Gender: Male Name: Morgan Location: Sarasota, FL Last.fm: rockon1824	You definitely have a knack for writing closers, which is completely the opposite of me who can write two good opening stanzas and have the piece fall to pieces by the end. The last stanza definitely wraps it up nicely, especially the last line. It flows very well too. I think you could have played up the "My soul is on fire" line a bit more. As it is now, that line is fairly cliché, but I think if you expanded on it a bit (by referencing it again later in the piece) it could be used to show how the issue of global warming is warming not just the earth, but your "soul" (I believe that's what you were trying to accomplish with that line already, but I don't think it's used to its full potential as-is). I also felt the line "While polar bears are dying" was a bit too narrow in scope. The idea that one distant species is dying while "We're toiling over our problems" doesn't quite put the issue in perspective, at least for me personally. The idea that all of life on earth could perish I believe is more fitting, though less immediate.
	If If you If you could If you could only If you could only stop If you could only stop your If you could only stop your heart If you could only stop your heart beat If you could only stop your heart beat for If you could only stop your heart beat for one heart If you could only stop your heart beat for one heart beat.


Warbeast	May 18 2009, 08:10 PM Post #3
A m'atriia, a ma Helvetia Posts: 214 Group: Members Member #798 Joined: August 23, 2008 Gender: Female Last.fm: Warbeast13	Uh how can I put it? With the soul on fire line (honestly it just followed the first out of my head), I think what I'm going for with that is...I'll just use people in general, but when someone knows something is going wrong and they want to stop it, they'll sometimes get this intense urge to do anything they can to help stop whatever it is. So basically it's the intensity of my will. Yeah that entire stanza was a trouble spot for me, especially the two lines you quoted. They don't seem to flow that well. And I should've mentioned: the main issue of this song was warming at the poles, so that's where the polar bear line comes from. So my primary focus is the poles and the animals that inhabit them; pretty much ignoring everything else.



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