memory

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memory
Topic Started: Sep 4 2007, 12:50 AM (154 Views)
ana	Sep 4 2007, 12:50 AM Post #1
eskizo Posts: 5,752 Group: Staff Member #27 Joined: June 29, 2006 Gender: Female Name: Ana Location: Madrid	omg, i've finally written something other than jap! :o seriously now, i've many problems with this piece - especially considering that it's quite different from my usual style -, so i'd appreciate any comments. if possible, enjoy. Memory It’s like a leaf falling in spring: There’s neither cold nor is there drought, Nor shadows hunting for their prey, And yet the shrivelled shape of ashen gold Defies all senses, dies and falls It’s like the sound of rain under a sheltered cove, Where long forgotten traces lie Of everything but those crystalline drops That fill the world now In a melody of gloom and light It’s like the silence you can nearly hear When you stay quiet, listening, Craving to feel the sound of vacancy Over the million whispers Giving unseen shape to everything It’s like a thought that never fades, Haunting you in a stark perpetual drive Where laws and rules do not abide, And slashing all you ever were Until inside you nothing’s left It’s just a memory. A memory that you were fated to The very instant that it came to be.
	I'M SPAINISH! *I DOSENT SPLEL WEL!*


Morgan	Sep 7 2007, 07:47 PM Post #2
Dinkin' flicka. Posts: 1,873 Group: Staff Member #2 Joined: June 28, 2006 Gender: Male Name: Morgan Location: Sarasota, FL Last.fm: rockon1824	ana It’s like a leaf falling in spring: There’s neither cold nor is there draught, Nor shadows hunting for their prey, And yet the shrivelled shape of ashen gold Defies all senses, dies and falls The second sentence makes no sense at all to me. You're saying it like cold and draught are opposites. Draught? Isn't that like a British term for "draft"? If so, it really makes no sense because a draft is neither hot nor cold by its definition. Did you mean "Drought"? Even so, it's still a stretch. Anyway, I can't say I grasp the meaning so far but I do like the imagery. ana It’s like the sound of rain under a sheltered cove, Where long forgotten traces lie Of everything but those crystalline drops That fill the world now In a melody of gloom and light I love this stanza. It's perfectly described, it's a great metaphor, and I love the paradox in the last line. Unlike most metaphors, which are carried out to the point that no one understands them, you've described it plainly so it's very easy to relate to. ana It’s like the silence you can nearly hear When you stay silent, listening, Craving to feel the sound of vacancy Over the million whispers Giving unseen shape to everything I don't like the silence/silent repetition in the first two lines. They're really unconnected. Maybe just put "quiet" in the second line, I think that would make it a lot better. Other than that, this is another terrific stanza. ana It’s like a thought that never fades, Haunting you in a stark perpetual drive Where laws and rules do not abide, And slashing all you ever were Until inside you nothing’s left Again, very good. Not much to say. ana It’s like… It’s just a memory. A memory that you were fated to The very instant that you let it be. I'm not sure how I feel about the disembodied "It's like..." I see what effect you're trying to accomplish but in a way it almost turns out like a joke, as if you're saying "Here's another stanza, just kidding! I won't make you sit through another, I'll just get right to the end." You might be better off without it. As for the ending, I like the repetition of "memory"...it works here. However, the meaning is a bit confusing. Are you saying that you are meant to have a memory because you don't sit thinking about it all the time (in other words "letting it be") or are you talking about the actual event that you have a memory of, for instance, you remember an event because during that event you left something alone? If it's the latter then I don't know, it might just be me but I didn't get that the first few times reading it. All in all, this is a very good piece. The repetition of "It's like" is cool. I like how every stanza you introduce a new metaphor for memory. However, I think a couple of them might be contradictions, assuming I'm interpreting them correctly. For example, in the first stanza, you remark about the leaf (which I'm assuming is what stands for memory in this stanza) and how there's neither "cold nor...draught" and how it "defies all senses." This makes it seem as if you're saying there is no emotion or feeling attached to memory. But yet, in the next stanza, you say how in it there is both "gloom and light" which describes how a memory can be bittersweet, yet it's still attaching an emotion to it. Another example would be how in the first and fourth stanzas you say how the memory "dies and falls" and then how there's "nothing left" respectively, but in the other two stanzas you say that it "fills the world now" and, a little more abstractly, "gives unseen shape to everything." If I'm just not getting what you're saying or if you're trying to present conflicting views, correct me, but I just got a little confused by the exact aim of this piece. However, the writing is superb and I don't think it's a stretch to say it's one of your best, although it's been awhile since I've read a lot of your pieces edit: lol, sorry for the length of this
	If If you If you could If you could only If you could only stop If you could only stop your If you could only stop your heart If you could only stop your heart beat If you could only stop your heart beat for If you could only stop your heart beat for one heart If you could only stop your heart beat for one heart beat.


ana	Sep 7 2007, 08:34 PM Post #3
eskizo Posts: 5,752 Group: Staff Member #27 Joined: June 29, 2006 Gender: Female Name: Ana Location: Madrid	Quote: The second sentence makes no sense at all to me. You're saying it like cold and draught are opposites. Draught? Isn't that like a British term for "draft"? If so, it really makes no sense because a draft is neither hot nor cold by its definition. Did you mean "Drought"? Even so, it's still a stretch. Anyway, I can't say I grasp the meaning so far but I do like the imagery. oh boy, you're totally right about that, it is indeed "drought" i was thinking of... sorry about that, it's fixed now. and as for its meaning, it's basically this: if there's no apparent reason for a plant/tree to die or be harmed in any way ("neither cold nor drought" and all that), it kinda makes you wonder why a leaf would fall (it "defies all senses" cos there's no apparent reason for it and so you can't understand why). well that's more or less the same feeling you get when you remember something you don't quite understand, right? like when you've done something that, looking back, seems really unlike you and you'd want to change because of its consequences. dunno, something like that. oh and it's also kinda linked with the somewhat melancholic feeling people get in autumn, when everything turns reddish-brown and you can see fallen leafs everywhere, as opposed to the "joy" it brings people to see everything bloom. but yeah, a bit of everything. Quote: I don't like the silence/silent repetition in the first two lines. They're really unconnected. Maybe just put "quiet" in the second line, I think that would make it a lot better. Other than that, this is another terrific stanza. right again, i hadn't realised i'd repeated that - it's definitely not intentional, but since i just wrote this without thinking and didn't even check it, it doesn't surprise me. i'll revise that bit. thanks for pointing it out. Quote: I'm not sure how I feel about the disembodied "It's like..." I see what effect you're trying to accomplish but in a way it almost turns out like a joke, as if you're saying "Here's another stanza, just kidding! I won't make you sit through another, I'll just get right to the end." You might be better off without it. As for the ending, I like the repetition of "memory"...it works here. However, the meaning is a bit confusing. Are you saying that you are meant to have a memory because you don't sit thinking about it all the time (in other words "letting it be") or are you talking about the actual event that you have a memory of, for instance, you remember an event because during that event you left something alone? If it's the latter then I don't know, it might just be me but I didn't get that the first few times reading it. lol, i see what you mean about that "it's like...", i'll think about it. and as for the last line, i wasn't going for the expression, i was thinking along the lines of its literal meaning - like saying that you're doomed to having that one memory haunt you for the rest of your life the moment you let things happen or the moment you start thinking about them right after they've happened (not sure which of the two, though). but yeah, i can see why it's confusing. i'll try to fix that as well. Quote: All in all, this is a very good piece. The repetition of "It's like" is cool. I like how every stanza you introduce a new metaphor for memory. However, I think a couple of them might be contradictions, assuming I'm interpreting them correctly. For example, in the first stanza, you remark about the leaf (which I'm assuming is what stands for memory in this stanza) and how there's neither "cold nor...draught" and how it "defies all senses." This makes it seem as if you're saying there is no emotion or feeling attached to memory. But yet, in the next stanza, you say how in it there is both "gloom and light" which describes how a memory can be bittersweet, yet it's still attaching an emotion to it. Another example would be how in the first and fourth stanzas you say how the memory "dies and falls" and then how there's "nothing left" respectively, but in the other two stanzas you say that it "fills the world now" and, a little more abstractly, "gives unseen shape to everything." If I'm just not getting what you're saying or if you're trying to present conflicting views, correct me, but I just got a little confused by the exact aim of this piece. However, the writing is superb and I don't think it's a stretch to say it's one of your best, although it's been awhile since I've read a lot of your pieces yup, the contradictions are definitely a big part of this piece, as the main idea behind it is that memories can hurt you, make you smile, make you regret, make you wish, make you cry, etc. all at the same time. the metaphors are basically meant to inspire a mood or an idea, like melancholy or uncertainty in the first stanza, some kind of ambiguous sadness mixed with beauty in the second one, desire or craving in the third, and probably sheer obsession in the fourth. dunno, there's many things behind this piece, but i guess those are the most important ones. anyways, i believe it's the first time my writing's been considered "superb", and adding that to the fact that it's a grammar whore speaking, i must confess i'm having a huge ego boost. so thanks very very much for the crit, morgan, and i'm honestly very glad you liked it. hope my comments clarified it a little, too, if i left anything out feel free to say so. Quote: edit: lol, sorry for the length of this that made it even better, lol.
	I'M SPAINISH! *I DOSENT SPLEL WEL!*


Liberation	Sep 8 2007, 04:08 AM Post #4
LOL WUT? Posts: 2,382 Group: Members Member #8 Joined: June 28, 2006 Gender: Male Name: Trevor Location: Edmonton, AB Last.fm: BloodAndBelief	I'm not really in the mood for a full crit right now, but this piece took me away to somewhere else for a few seconds. Very good writing. Is it funny that I still think one of your first pieces you posted was your best one?
	IloveAmber<3


ana	Sep 8 2007, 10:16 AM Post #5
eskizo Posts: 5,752 Group: Staff Member #27 Joined: June 29, 2006 Gender: Female Name: Ana Location: Madrid	^^i dunno, might be... thanks. EDIT: made a couple minor changes (basically the stuff you mentioned, morgan). i still don't like the second line in the third verse, but i couldn't think of anything that really suited it, so any suggestion would be very welcome.
	I'M SPAINISH! *I DOSENT SPLEL WEL!*


Morgan	Sep 8 2007, 10:52 AM Post #6
Dinkin' flicka. Posts: 1,873 Group: Staff Member #2 Joined: June 28, 2006 Gender: Male Name: Morgan Location: Sarasota, FL Last.fm: rockon1824	That line sounds fine to me
	If If you If you could If you could only If you could only stop If you could only stop your If you could only stop your heart If you could only stop your heart beat If you could only stop your heart beat for If you could only stop your heart beat for one heart If you could only stop your heart beat for one heart beat.


ana	Sep 8 2007, 10:54 AM Post #7
eskizo Posts: 5,752 Group: Staff Member #27 Joined: June 29, 2006 Gender: Female Name: Ana Location: Madrid	really? dunno, there's something about it that kinda annoys me... meh, i'll read it over again in a couple of days.
	I'M SPAINISH! *I DOSENT SPLEL WEL!*


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