Shelter

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Shelter; I dunno.
Topic Started: Sep 1 2007, 03:10 AM (214 Views)
Liberation	Sep 1 2007, 03:10 AM Post #1
LOL WUT? Posts: 2,382 Group: Members Member #8 Joined: June 28, 2006 Gender: Male Name: Trevor Location: Edmonton, AB Last.fm: BloodAndBelief	Sit back... Try to envision this pain Don't let it get you down Your emotions are so, so strong Tearing you apart Your limbs go weak, you're going numb Falling back to the start Try to find shelter In the cold winter night Try to find shelter From the blizzard outside Try to find shelter Because you're running out of time... Wake up... Try to envision the gain Why don't you realize? All of your terrors last so, so long Nightmares go on Come into focus, depart the dream Falling back to reality Try to find shelter In the hot summer night Try to find shelter From the desert outside Try to find shelter Because you're running out of time... Waking up from a nightmare Sitting back for a thought Life's a journey And that's just fine...
	IloveAmber<3


ana	Sep 4 2007, 01:44 AM Post #2
eskizo Posts: 5,763 Group: Staff Member #27 Joined: June 29, 2006 Gender: Female Name: Ana Location: Madrid	Quote: Sit back... Try to envision this pain Don't let it get you down Your emotions are so, so strong Tearing you apart Your limbs go weak, you're going numb Falling back to the start fifth line doesn't seem to fit - something like "they tear you apart"? dunno, just a thought. i like the fourth line. fine start. Quote: Try to find shelter In the cold winter night Try to find shelter From the blizzard outside Try to find shelter Because you're running out of time... last line seems somewhat different to the rest, like it's a different style. not bad, though, i kinda like it after reading it a couple of times. this whole stanza flows pretty well. nice. Quote: Wake up... Try to envision the gain Why don't you realize? All of your terrors last so, so long Nightmares go on Come into focus, depart the dream Falling back to reality hmm, this seems a tiny bit forced, though the only thing i've a problem with is that fourth line. i like the idea of repeating the structure and all, but the wording sounds somewhat weird. dunno, i'll think about it. Quote: Try to find shelter In the hot summer night Try to find shelter From the desert out there Try to find shelter Because you're running out of time... i like the contrast in the repetition. i thnk i'd use "outside" again in the fourth line, though, it'd kinda keep the rhyme going. Quote: Waking up from a nightmare Sitting back for a thought Life's a journey And that's just fine... nice. very. i like your using "waking up" and "sitting back" again here, it works real well. i'd suggest a minor change in this stanza, though: any chance you'd change the elipsis on the last line to the previous one? dunno, i like it better that way. but yeah, nice ending. overall i quite like this piece. i'd add some punctuation at the end of some lines to help the reader, but i guess that's your call. there's something about it that's nagging me, though... i get the impression that it's somewhat different from every other piece i've ever read from you, what do you think? dunno, it's just an abstract impression... but anyways, i like it.
	I'M SPAINISH! *I DOSENT SPLEL WEL!*


Liberation	Sep 4 2007, 11:50 PM Post #3
LOL WUT? Posts: 2,382 Group: Members Member #8 Joined: June 28, 2006 Gender: Male Name: Trevor Location: Edmonton, AB Last.fm: BloodAndBelief	In some ways, it definitely is different, but in others, especially theme, it ties in with a few of my past pieces.
	IloveAmber<3


Morgan	Sep 12 2007, 04:10 PM Post #4
Dinkin' flicka. Posts: 1,890 Group: Staff Member #2 Joined: June 28, 2006 Gender: Male Name: Morgan Location: Sarasota, FL Last.fm: rockon1824	I agree with everything Ana said. I really like the repetition of "Try to find shelter" in the refrain and the ending is great too. The only thing I really don't like about it is that stanzas 1, 3, and 5 are just so vague. Try throwing in a bit of description and detail. Overall, it's a good start, but it could definitely benefit from some sprucing up.
	If If you If you could If you could only If you could only stop If you could only stop your If you could only stop your heart If you could only stop your heart beat If you could only stop your heart beat for If you could only stop your heart beat for one heart If you could only stop your heart beat for one heart beat.


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