O' Burn Baby, Burn

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O' Burn Baby, Burn
Topic Started: Aug 25 2007, 09:18 PM (112 Views)
Liberation	Aug 25 2007, 09:18 PM Post #1
LOL WUT? Posts: 2,382 Group: Members Member #8 Joined: June 28, 2006 Gender: Male Name: Trevor Location: Edmonton, AB Last.fm: BloodAndBelief	Red, yellow, orange hues Heat, oh unbearable heat Death hangs in the air While the flames devour it all A young woman found dead Surrounded by her children Clutching a charred book The remains of a bible Religion was no saviour Salvation never came She was left to burn Burn alive, O' burn baby, burn A loud snap, and home is gone All my possessions, gone Left behind is only color Red, yellow, orange hues The country's burning And time is running short What are we to do? Pray? But it didn't save the woman A young man found dead Burned alive in a state of panic I was left to burn Burn alive, O' burn baby, burn
	IloveAmber<3


Morgan	Aug 30 2007, 02:56 PM Post #2
Dinkin' flicka. Posts: 1,873 Group: Staff Member #2 Joined: June 28, 2006 Gender: Male Name: Morgan Location: Sarasota, FL Last.fm: rockon1824	A couple things: the repetition of gone at the end of the first two lines in the fourth stanza doesn't work. I do like the repetition of "Red, yellow, orange hues" though, it kind of brings everything full circle. In the fifth stanza, the "it" in the last line should be "that" - you can't replace a verb with a pronoun. At first I didn't like the change of perspective in the last stanza, but reading it again, it's grown on me. For some reason this piece feels like it's missing something. It comes across as monotonous, it lacks some kind of punch. Try throwing some adjectives in there to spice things up a bit. I do like the imagery and metaphor. I'm not too fond of the title however...."O'" is normally used with a noun so it comes across kind of strangely.
	If If you If you could If you could only If you could only stop If you could only stop your If you could only stop your heart If you could only stop your heart beat If you could only stop your heart beat for If you could only stop your heart beat for one heart If you could only stop your heart beat for one heart beat.


Liberation	Aug 30 2007, 09:01 PM Post #3
LOL WUT? Posts: 2,382 Group: Members Member #8 Joined: June 28, 2006 Gender: Male Name: Trevor Location: Edmonton, AB Last.fm: BloodAndBelief	Hmm..surprised about the reaction. This is the closest piece to The Storm that I have written aside from the poem itself...seems that I have much work to do on my writing style.
	IloveAmber<3


Morgan	Aug 31 2007, 07:29 PM Post #4
Dinkin' flicka. Posts: 1,873 Group: Staff Member #2 Joined: June 28, 2006 Gender: Male Name: Morgan Location: Sarasota, FL Last.fm: rockon1824	Hmm...I thought you might have been trying to recreate The Storm in a way. The reason The Storm got such a positive reception (besides the fact that it was a great piece) was because it was the first display of your diversity as a writer. We all knew you could write, but we were used to your direct, "in-your-face" (if you will) style. The Storm showed that you could write outside that, and do it well, for the first time, and out of the clear blue. Now, that doesn't mean that every piece you write in a similar style to The Storm won't get positive reviews (although it does mean you'll have to work harder for it :P). But the main reason The Storm was great and this is just okay is because of the actual writing itself. Go back and read The Storm and compare it to this yourself. It pops out at you: there's onomatopoeias, very descriptive adjectives, a slight little insightful twist at the end...things which this piece lacks. "O' Burn Baby, Burn" plays more with verbs, which can sometimes work, but for the most part, writing comes alive with adjectives and the occasional use of clever noun, not verbs. The only real commonality between the two pieces is a major overarching metaphor (I'm hesitant to use the phrase "epic metaphor" 'cause that makes me think of Homer or Dante), which I must say, is probably your best skill. So, yes, you do have work to do on your writing, but doesn't everybody? And you shouldn't work on your "writing style," you should be able to write in a variety of styles, which you've already shown you can, so you should work on developing them all. Of course, you can also be a painter and take a couple and mix them together, but do whatever you're comfortable with for now.
	If If you If you could If you could only If you could only stop If you could only stop your If you could only stop your heart If you could only stop your heart beat If you could only stop your heart beat for If you could only stop your heart beat for one heart If you could only stop your heart beat for one heart beat.


Liberation	Aug 31 2007, 11:44 PM Post #5
LOL WUT? Posts: 2,382 Group: Members Member #8 Joined: June 28, 2006 Gender: Male Name: Trevor Location: Edmonton, AB Last.fm: BloodAndBelief	I dunno what I'm comfortible with right now to be honest...I want to write one way, but I also want to write another..it's hard to decide.
	IloveAmber<3


ana	Sep 4 2007, 01:13 AM Post #6
eskizo Posts: 5,752 Group: Staff Member #27 Joined: June 29, 2006 Gender: Female Name: Ana Location: Madrid	^^then don't. just as you use your mood to write, use it as well to figure out which style matches your writing each time you get to it. it's not as if it were imperative to stick to one style alone, you know... i get the feeling that the piece grows a bit weaker on the third, fourth and fifth stanzas - especially the latter -, and although the last two lines of the third and fourth stanzas are good, those stanzas as a whole need something more to them. the last one is good, i like it as it is. overall it's fairly good, though it does indeed seem to lack something - might be the wording or the flow, i'm not too sure about that. the concept is definitely cool, though. i'd work on it to make as many improvements as possible, cos it's got potential. keep it up, lib.
	I'M SPAINISH! *I DOSENT SPLEL WEL!*


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